Renewed Anxiety

The passing of my dear Baba has increased my anxiety about vomiting. I had recently felt that I was less anxious about it, even if by only 5%, but I am back now to fearing it every minute of every day. When I wake up in the morning, my first thought is, "Do I feel sick?" and then throughout the day my thoughts are, "I hope I don't get sick." I find myself going to bed as early as possible after dinner so that I can try to distract my mind with television, and then fall asleep so that I do not have to worry. I have sheer terror when I think about feeling nauseated to the point where I might vomit. I am terrorized by the idea of both the nausea and the vomiting. I feel like I won't be able to handle it, and then I think that I don't want to handle it. I would rather escape it somehow, because it is such a terrible suffering. Even though I know that other people don't think of it this way, I do.

My psychologist told me that this I won't lose the gains I've made, even if I loose them temporarily, and that I will overcome this huge bump in the road. I was very glad to hear that, because I had started to despair that I would never be "normal" or as close to "normal" as I could possibly become. But I am not loosing hope.

Today, I am going to resume trying to eat 3-day old leftovers, the new exposure I started at the beginning of December. I am going to eat split-pea soup for lunch which I made on Monday. I am scared, but I am going to do it.

Baba

On December 23, 2010, my dear Baba passed away. This is something I always dreaded having to face. There is no real solace because nothing can replace a person. It has been very tough when the sadness comes, but my psychologist told me to let the sadness come so that it can pass through. And when it does come, I think about this.

I started writing this post yesterday, and as soon I started writing the second sentence, I started crying, and had to stop. I wasn't ready to write about it.

I'm still not ready to write about it any more than I just have.

Endurance Despite Adversity

I'm working on a new "exposure" which I came up with on my own, but I did discuss it with my psychologist who approved it. I have to eat leftovers on the third day. Until now, I have only eaten food on the day it is cooked, and then one day later. This forces me to cook everyday, because I can't eat one dish three times in two days without getting sick of the food. And of course, once I am sick of the food, I have anxiety about not being able to eat a dish that I know I like. I've figured out that there are so many layers to the food aspect of my phobia--fear of contamination, fear of not liking the way a dish tastes and then having nothing to eat and being hungry (because I have no leftovers), fear of getting sick of the few foods that I do like to eat because there are so few, and then being hungry, and many others. As my phobia has progressed, it is now obvious to me that I've added new fears based on my worsening relationship with food. I want to have hope that the act of eating for me will become easier, and so I choose to, because it is impossible to live without hope. The fear of not having food to eat is always on my mind. I experienced the true feeling of hunger when my phobia was at its peak. It is awful to be hungry, and worse to have access to food but to not be able to eat it, despite the desire to eat.

As for my three-day leftover exposure, I have now tried it once, and was successful, as I define success. Yesterday, I ate a three-day-old pot roast, with three-day-old gravy, and three-day-old vegetables. It was difficult, and I was nervous, but the fact that my psychologist told me that I can eat ANYTHING that is three days old, helped me to do it. It is very hard for me to believe that anything that is three days old can be eaten, especially cream-based soups, for example, but I must follow her rule now, instead of my own. I am very good at following rules as they pertain to eating. My rules have been unhealthy and irrational. If I have her rules to follow, I no longer have to think. I can just do what I am supposed to do. Further, I do not have to pay attention to the thoughts that come into my mind. I can righteously ignore them, like I ignored the pain in my feet when first learning how to dance on pointe. It is something to be proud of...endurance despite adversity.

Goals for 2010

Goals for 2010

1. Have a Baby despite my vomiting phobia and general fear of all things medical--this is going to be the hardest goal to achieve

2. Finish writing my book--not hard, if I can stop going to the grocery store daily and cooking three meals a day from scratch, and then doing the clean up. Maintaining a this phobia is very time consuming.

3. Get rid of my vomiting phobia--ok, maybe this will be the hardest goal to achieve.

4. Fix my sesamoid break (broken foot), either with cortisone shots, or surgery, or whatever, just something so that I can walk without pain and start moving again. Maybe I can loose the 25 pounds I've gained over the last 8 months. (But not if I'm pregnant.)

5. Finish reading Crime and Punishment.

Best and Worst of my 2009

11 Best Things That Happened To Me In 2009

1. Discovered Rachel Burton's Ballet Classes
2. Had two parties at my house
3. Took very long walks in the forest preserve with my husband in the spring every weekend until I broke my foot
4. Read Jhumpa Lahiri's Interpreter of Maladies
5. Cooked a dinner with my brother in my kitchen
6. Had a poem accepted for publication by The Basilica Review
7. Convinced Baba to use her cane when we took a trip to Home Depot
8. Was told that I was a good teacher by several of my students
9. Was hired by an additional school to teach in their English department, which proves that I must be a descent teacher if not one, but two schools will hire me
10. Took Pilates with an old ballet friend, until I broke my foot.
11. Was told by an old family friend that I had always been creative and should continue to be creative because that's where my talents lie and I must pursue them.


7 Worst Things That Happened To Me in 2009

1. Broke my sesamoid bone in my foot, which is still not healed.
2. Am now a person who has seen a Psychiatrist, not just a Psychologist
3. Attended the wake of a cousin who died of cancer in his 30s
4. Had to work two jobs due to problem with cash flow
5. Gained 25 pounds due to the broken bone in my foot
6. Was told by a member of my extended family that as a child, I used to vomit after I was dropped off at my Baba's house, because I was so upset by things my mother would say to me. This is pretty bad, but also good, as it helps to explain the vomiting phobia I have as an adult, and the cause of my generalized anxiety disorder.
7. Temporarily (I hope) had to stop taking ballet classes due to the broken sesamoid bone in my foot.

Swine Flu Shot

Although I have never had a flu shot, I am seriously considering getting the Swine Flu shot as soon as it becomes available in October. I am not at all convinced that the flu shot works, because they are always guessing as to what strain will hit, and they are usually wrong, but the Swine Flu shot is specifically for the Swine Flu, which we know is already among us. Also, I am now less afraid of shots since I am on anti-anxiety medication. According to the New York Times, "...the vaccine has not yet been tested for safety or efficacy." And the so now the question is, should I get the Swine Flu shot upon its unveiling in October, or should I wait to see if there are any adverse reactions to the shot, since it it is brand new? Which is worse?

Do the Antibiotics in Non-Organic Milk Repel Red Bugs?

Today I poured my organic milk into my coffee, and when I stirred it with a teaspoon, I noticed a little red bug floating on the top. It was tiny, like a fruit fly, but wingless. I called the milk company to report the incident, and then the customer service representative made the mistake of asking me if I felt sick. Before she said that, I didn't feel sick. I felt fine, even though I realized I had already drunk 2 cups of the milk this morning--a cup and a half in my oatmeal, and then another 1/2 a cup in my two coffees. I thought to myself, "these things happen" and "there are bugs in food sometimes." However, now I am in full panic mode--I feel nauseated and can't breathe normally. I called my husband to ask if I should take my alprazalam but he said no. So I sat down to write about it here, hoping that I would calm down by the time I was done.

Would the bug have been there if the milk was NOT organic? Would the antibiotics in regular milk help me to fight off whatever germs the bug has?