Endurance Despite Adversity

I'm working on a new "exposure" which I came up with on my own, but I did discuss it with my psychologist who approved it. I have to eat leftovers on the third day. Until now, I have only eaten food on the day it is cooked, and then one day later. This forces me to cook everyday, because I can't eat one dish three times in two days without getting sick of the food. And of course, once I am sick of the food, I have anxiety about not being able to eat a dish that I know I like. I've figured out that there are so many layers to the food aspect of my phobia--fear of contamination, fear of not liking the way a dish tastes and then having nothing to eat and being hungry (because I have no leftovers), fear of getting sick of the few foods that I do like to eat because there are so few, and then being hungry, and many others. As my phobia has progressed, it is now obvious to me that I've added new fears based on my worsening relationship with food. I want to have hope that the act of eating for me will become easier, and so I choose to, because it is impossible to live without hope. The fear of not having food to eat is always on my mind. I experienced the true feeling of hunger when my phobia was at its peak. It is awful to be hungry, and worse to have access to food but to not be able to eat it, despite the desire to eat.

As for my three-day leftover exposure, I have now tried it once, and was successful, as I define success. Yesterday, I ate a three-day-old pot roast, with three-day-old gravy, and three-day-old vegetables. It was difficult, and I was nervous, but the fact that my psychologist told me that I can eat ANYTHING that is three days old, helped me to do it. It is very hard for me to believe that anything that is three days old can be eaten, especially cream-based soups, for example, but I must follow her rule now, instead of my own. I am very good at following rules as they pertain to eating. My rules have been unhealthy and irrational. If I have her rules to follow, I no longer have to think. I can just do what I am supposed to do. Further, I do not have to pay attention to the thoughts that come into my mind. I can righteously ignore them, like I ignored the pain in my feet when first learning how to dance on pointe. It is something to be proud of...endurance despite adversity.