Renewed Anxiety

The passing of my dear Baba has increased my anxiety about vomiting. I had recently felt that I was less anxious about it, even if by only 5%, but I am back now to fearing it every minute of every day. When I wake up in the morning, my first thought is, "Do I feel sick?" and then throughout the day my thoughts are, "I hope I don't get sick." I find myself going to bed as early as possible after dinner so that I can try to distract my mind with television, and then fall asleep so that I do not have to worry. I have sheer terror when I think about feeling nauseated to the point where I might vomit. I am terrorized by the idea of both the nausea and the vomiting. I feel like I won't be able to handle it, and then I think that I don't want to handle it. I would rather escape it somehow, because it is such a terrible suffering. Even though I know that other people don't think of it this way, I do.

My psychologist told me that this I won't lose the gains I've made, even if I loose them temporarily, and that I will overcome this huge bump in the road. I was very glad to hear that, because I had started to despair that I would never be "normal" or as close to "normal" as I could possibly become. But I am not loosing hope.

Today, I am going to resume trying to eat 3-day old leftovers, the new exposure I started at the beginning of December. I am going to eat split-pea soup for lunch which I made on Monday. I am scared, but I am going to do it.