Goals for 2010

Goals for 2010

1. Have a Baby despite my vomiting phobia and general fear of all things medical--this is going to be the hardest goal to achieve

2. Finish writing my book--not hard, if I can stop going to the grocery store daily and cooking three meals a day from scratch, and then doing the clean up. Maintaining a this phobia is very time consuming.

3. Get rid of my vomiting phobia--ok, maybe this will be the hardest goal to achieve.

4. Fix my sesamoid break (broken foot), either with cortisone shots, or surgery, or whatever, just something so that I can walk without pain and start moving again. Maybe I can loose the 25 pounds I've gained over the last 8 months. (But not if I'm pregnant.)

5. Finish reading Crime and Punishment.

Best and Worst of my 2009

11 Best Things That Happened To Me In 2009

1. Discovered Rachel Burton's Ballet Classes
2. Had two parties at my house
3. Took very long walks in the forest preserve with my husband in the spring every weekend until I broke my foot
4. Read Jhumpa Lahiri's Interpreter of Maladies
5. Cooked a dinner with my brother in my kitchen
6. Had a poem accepted for publication by The Basilica Review
7. Convinced Baba to use her cane when we took a trip to Home Depot
8. Was told that I was a good teacher by several of my students
9. Was hired by an additional school to teach in their English department, which proves that I must be a descent teacher if not one, but two schools will hire me
10. Took Pilates with an old ballet friend, until I broke my foot.
11. Was told by an old family friend that I had always been creative and should continue to be creative because that's where my talents lie and I must pursue them.


7 Worst Things That Happened To Me in 2009

1. Broke my sesamoid bone in my foot, which is still not healed.
2. Am now a person who has seen a Psychiatrist, not just a Psychologist
3. Attended the wake of a cousin who died of cancer in his 30s
4. Had to work two jobs due to problem with cash flow
5. Gained 25 pounds due to the broken bone in my foot
6. Was told by a member of my extended family that as a child, I used to vomit after I was dropped off at my Baba's house, because I was so upset by things my mother would say to me. This is pretty bad, but also good, as it helps to explain the vomiting phobia I have as an adult, and the cause of my generalized anxiety disorder.
7. Temporarily (I hope) had to stop taking ballet classes due to the broken sesamoid bone in my foot.

Swine Flu Shot

Although I have never had a flu shot, I am seriously considering getting the Swine Flu shot as soon as it becomes available in October. I am not at all convinced that the flu shot works, because they are always guessing as to what strain will hit, and they are usually wrong, but the Swine Flu shot is specifically for the Swine Flu, which we know is already among us. Also, I am now less afraid of shots since I am on anti-anxiety medication. According to the New York Times, "...the vaccine has not yet been tested for safety or efficacy." And the so now the question is, should I get the Swine Flu shot upon its unveiling in October, or should I wait to see if there are any adverse reactions to the shot, since it it is brand new? Which is worse?

Do the Antibiotics in Non-Organic Milk Repel Red Bugs?

Today I poured my organic milk into my coffee, and when I stirred it with a teaspoon, I noticed a little red bug floating on the top. It was tiny, like a fruit fly, but wingless. I called the milk company to report the incident, and then the customer service representative made the mistake of asking me if I felt sick. Before she said that, I didn't feel sick. I felt fine, even though I realized I had already drunk 2 cups of the milk this morning--a cup and a half in my oatmeal, and then another 1/2 a cup in my two coffees. I thought to myself, "these things happen" and "there are bugs in food sometimes." However, now I am in full panic mode--I feel nauseated and can't breathe normally. I called my husband to ask if I should take my alprazalam but he said no. So I sat down to write about it here, hoping that I would calm down by the time I was done.

Would the bug have been there if the milk was NOT organic? Would the antibiotics in regular milk help me to fight off whatever germs the bug has?

Water Bottles

Sometimes, when I open a water bottle and I can't remember whether or not I heard a "click" when twisting off the top, I pour it out in a plant and open a new one, paying better attention the second time.

Spring

Lysol Wipes and Chicken Soup

Today I made chicken noddle soup/stew from scratch. It's one of my favorite foods, and now that I load it up with a lot more chicken than I used to, my husband likes it too.

Today, I made a mistake while cooking. Maybe it wasn't a mistake. I don't know. That's why I'm phobic.

While I was waiting for the chicken thighs to cook, I pre-cut most of the vegetables, and then decided to start cleaning up the kitchen until I was ready to cut up the herbs and the potato. Eventually I took out the garbage, and then wiped the can with a Lysol wipe--the ones that are ammonia-based--the ones that say "Hazard to Humans" on the bottle. I still have a roll, so I use them to wipe down doorknobs and garbage cans on occasion. So, after I completed this task, I wiped the doorknobs, and then washed my hands. In the past, I used to wear gloves when I used Lysol Wipes, since it said on the very bottle that they were a hazard to humans and that hands should be washed after handling them, but I'm trying to work on exposing myself to the things that I fear, so I thought I'd use them, and then wash my hands. I've done this successfully in the recent past. Today, however, after I did this, it was time to cut the herbs, and the potato, so I proceeded to do so. As I was cutting, I started to wonder if my hands were COMEPLETELY clean. What if I didn't do a good job washing all of the hazardous-to-humans Lysol off? What if I'm rubbing Lysol on my potato via my not-washed-well-enough hands? Alas I again decided to face my fear, and I continued on with the vegetables, and finished the soup. Then, I started to eat the soup because I was so hungry, but after a few spoons took the edge off, I was terrified to eat the rest of it. This path was familiar to me. Start eating, get afraid, stop eating, starve, get dizzy, try to sleep, become unsuccessful at sleeping because I am hungery. In order to stop the cycle, I have to force myself to eat, despite my fear. So, I ate almost the entire bowl of soup. And then I waited. When my husband came home I relayed the entire story to him, and he said that the soup was fine, and then he ate a bowl. So then I finished mine. I am now terrified. I have a headache. Is it from the stress, or the soup? How long do I have to wait until I know that we are safe?