How Germans Eat

Recently, I had a very busy day and by four o'clock hadn't had any time to run out to the grocery store to get food to make dinner. Of course I had nothing in the house, and to complicate matters, my Baba called me and told me she made spaghetti for me. The reason why this complicated matters was that I'm still afraid to eat dinner at her house. She thaws meat on the counter top and uses the same cutting board for raw meat and raw veggies. She has always done this, and has never ever gotten sick. I have eaten her food all of my life (until I came down with this phobia) and I also have never ever gotten sick. So, I was faced with this serious dilemma--drive 10 minutes to my Baba's house and eat spaghetti that is already cooked and waiting for me, or figure out what to cook, go to the grocery store, buy the food, come home and cook it, then finally eat, 2 hours later. I decided that it would be good for my phobia if I used "exposure therapy" on myself and ate dinner at Baba's. First, I got the opinion of two different people regarding whether or not they thought it was safe to eat the spaghetti. Then, I headed over to Baba's.

The spaghetti tasted GREAT. Even so, I played with my food for a bit, and took tiny bites, so that if I were to get sick, I would get LESS sick than if I had eaten the entire dish. I also moved the food around on the plate so that it looked like I ate most of it. My Baba sat down across from me, and said, "You know Svitlana? Germans would never eat like that. This is what they do." And she took the fork out of my hand, scraped all the food on my plate into a big pile, and said, "You have to eat this."

The spaghetti sat in my stomach like a lump for the rest of the evening. Was it because it was greasy? Or, was it just my anxiety? This is why I prefer to eat bread, soups, and kashas.

Thanksgiving--One Year Anniversary

Thanksgiving was the one-year anniversary of my physical meltdown. Although I was able to actually eat at the Thanksgiving dinner table this year, I had chest pains for three days leading up to the meal, and a few difficult days after the meal where I panicked about what to eat. The IBS flared up for the three days AFTER Thanksgiving, and I had stomach cramps. I also had that severe weak feeling as if I hadn't eaten in 12 hours. I took the sedative twice during this past weekend, and it didn't cure the symptoms, but made me not care so much that I was suffering.

Yesterday, everything tasted bad, but I shoved it down anyway.

The Today Show Talks About Germs!

Every morning I put on The Today Show while I make breakfast and coffee. Although I'm usually annoyed with Matt Lauer and Meredith Viera (Katie Couric look-alike), I keep it on because they show the weather and I know if anything big has happend over night.

Yesterday, they had a special segment which "exposed" the fact that shopping carts are covered with bacteria and fecal matter. It's apparently part of a series they're doing on germs. Today, they talked about how vacuums have E. coli on their brissles and when a person vacuums, the bacteria are dragged around the room. If I wash my hands any more, the skin is going to fall off.


If you'd like to scare yourself, read all about the Today Show germ series here.

Autumn on a 69 degree day.

Claritin D

I just took my first Claritin D. It was a big pill, and had to take it by chewing off a piece of a granola bar and then slipping the pill in my mouth so that I wouldn't feel it. Adverse reactions to this medicaion are not listed on the box, so I'm hoping that means it's extremely safe.

Bleach

I discovered something wonderful today--Chlorox Anywhere Hard Surface daily sanitizing spray. I bought my first bottle a year ago, but was afraid to use it, because I was afraid of chlorine bleach. It's corrosive. If swallowed, it can be fatal. But today I mustered up the strength to try it based on something that's written on the label.

Now I know that most of the United States probably cleans with bleach, but I personally know someone who actually burned her eyes with the vapors of bleach when she was cleaning a stain out of a shirt. She didn't go blind, but had to use drops for a while. And, my Baba personally knows someone who put bleach in her toilet, forgot about it, and then used the toilet only to be burned and taken to the hospital. (Always flush before using the toilets in other people's homes and in public restrooms.)

My Baba uses bleach for everything. She cleans her entire kitchen with it, her bathtub, even her sidewalks, and I've never died after eating in her kitchen, or using her bathroom, or walking up to her house. But still. As much as I wanted to use bleach for cleaning purposes because it disinfects and kills all possible germs, I was terrified of getting it on my hands, or in my eyes, or in my mouth. Thus, I haven't been able to use it. Until now.

Chlorox Anywhere Hard Surface daily sanitizing spray actually says on it's label that it can be used on children's toys, and that there is no need to rinse. Since children put their toys in their mouths, this means it is safe enough for me to use it on my kitchen counter tops, which I don't put in my mouth, but do touch, and then touch food, or utensils, or plates, which do go in my mouth. I am happy.

So I used it today and it left behind the faintest smell of it's full-strength self, proving to me that I disinfected.

Radon

The other day my brother mentioned that I should have my new house tested for Radon. I didn't think too much about it at first, but then I decided to look it up on the internet, and of course, it is one of the leading causes of lung cancer, so I decided to buy a Radon Testing Kit. Then I decided that I would prefer to have a professional test our house, because I might do it wrong and then the test wouldn't tell us the truth. I somehow was lead to the City of Chicago Web page and learned this:


All Chicago Residents who own a Single Family Home can have their houses tested for Radon at no charge by calling the city's non-emergency line: 311.


My fellow Chicagoan Single Family Homeowners--take advantage of this perk--you paid for it!

New Place

We've finally moved out of the tiny condo and into a house. I am no longer living on an expressway exit ramp so I can worry less about air pollutants. This Chicago neighborhood reminds me a lot of Iowa City, minus the college students, and I love it here. The local grocery store plays 50's music all day long, and there is a big used bookstore just a bike ride away.

Everyblock Chicago

I just found GREAT Web site called "Everyblock Chicago". Not only does it list general neighborhood information, such as business licenses granted, crimes committed, and real estate transfers, but it also lists the results of neighborhood restaurant inspections, including what violations occured, to what degree, and the seriousness of the violation (minor, serious, critical). I'm sad to say, though, that the restaurants that seem the dirtiest are passing, while the clean ones I like to eat at have sometimes failed. Disturbing. Bad for phobia.

Generalized Anxiety Disorder

After Thanksgiving, I couldn't eat, even though I wanted to. The thought of food made me lose my appetite. On Friday, I went back to my Baba's and confessed to her that I couldn't eat. I told her that I felt like I was about to feint and she said that if it didn't go away by Monday, then I should go to the doctor. I was completely freaking out because I couldn't stop feeling weak. Baba was calm the entire time I was telling her all of this, and kept telling me to just keep eating. She wasn't upset by the news, didn't tell me I was crazy, didn't get hysterical, didn't yell at me--nothing. She just acted like I was completely normal, and remained unphased. That's why she's so great. That's why she doesn't have anxiety. She accepts everything as it happens and then reacts with rational action instead of emotion. She always says that yelling doesn't help--the same words are said whether you yell them or say them, and saying them is better because you don't give yourself stress. And she says that worrying doesn't help because the same thing is happening whether you worry about it or not, so why give yourself stress when it doesn't help.

My husband was with me at my Baba's and he was telling me to keep eating too, and also that I should go to the doctor on Monday if the weakness wasn't gone by then. But I felt so bad all the time, that I kept asking them to take me to the hospital for an IV. I, who can not handle any medical procedure without major mental preparation and avoidance strategies, was asking to go to the hospital and have someone stick a needle in my arm. They both said it wasn't necessary, and after a while I stopped arguing, because I secretly hoped that they were right, and by agreeing with then felt that I could will it so.

I've felt weak before, during my last few months at Iowa, when I was anemic, but this weakness was worse because it didn't get better with food. I was constantly feeling like I was about to get dizzy and nothing helped, not lying down, not eating, not drinking water. I didn't know what was wrong with me, but thought that the lack of food for the past several months, could have left me malnourished. I thought the malnourishment should be eased with more food, but it wasn't working, especially since I could hardly force myself to eat an adult-portion of potatoe dumplings that I asked her to make for me. I thought that I might be worse this time because the malnourishment was combined with Anemia, and so Saturday I asked Baba to make me Beef Stew so that I could get a massive infusion of iron. Then I worried that I would send my body into shock.

On Monday I went to the doctor, and started to tell him what happened to me when he interrupted and said, "Svitlana, you have Generalized Anxiety Disorder." I didn't even get to the part where I tried to eat but kept losing my appetite. I was in shock that the doctor could diagnose me without even knowing that it took me an hour and a half to get through 6 potato dumplings. But, he had been my doctor for a few years now and had received many of my after-hours phone calls asking if I had some illness and if I should come into the office first thing in the morning, so I guess he knew me. "But are you sure?" I asked.

"Yes," he said.

"But do you think I have malnourousment?" I asked.

"Probably not."

"But I feel weak all the time and nothing makes it go away."

"That's from the anxiety."


And thus the conversation went on for a while in this way. He thought that the best thing for me was to try an anti-anxiety medication, and I didn't want to take it. I told him that I hate medicines, even before you add the fact that I am afraid of taking medications because I am afraid of side effects. He said in a very serious tone, that this was what I really needed to do. "Do you REALLY think so?" I asked him.

"Yes, I really do," he replied.

And with that I realized that I had to do it. None of the non-chemical remedies had worked, and I was so weak that I was willing to do anything to feel better again, even though I never wanted to be one of those people who had to take pills. The doctor told me that he recommended Lexapro because it was known as the medicine which had a low incidence of side-effects, and that the effects that one could have were very mild. He even showed me the PDR and compared it's side effects to those of a placebo. Once I saw that none of the most common side-effects was vomiting, I decided that I could try it. He said to start the sample pack that day, and to call him if I got a headache. I left the office knowing that I wouldn't take it that day, but that I would try to take it, after I emotionally prepared myself to not fear the side effects, and to become a person who has taken a pill to treat her anxiety.

In Recovery

I have been in recovery. Will write more soon.